"What is that?" You ask. "There is no such place!" You tell me. Oh no my friend, you are most sadly mistaken.

The other day I visited the sad dystopia of Toilet paper hell, and escaped unsinged. A sad place, toilet paper hell, The house is full, but nobody seems to hear your cries for assistance. A very, Very Sad place.

Oh, but alas, this morning I stumbled upon a TP Eutopia. A place of smiles and the laughter of children. A place where the streets are paved with soft Cross-stitched double-ply.

What I'm used to is the 'cheaper-than-free' sandpaper my mom usually buy's by the thousand pack, whose wrapper is ironically adorned with a smiling cherub. A mere Facade!

This morning, taking preparation time towards the upcoming day, I remembered for once in my life to make sure there was paper before I went.

And there it was, unused, not even on the the roll, but instead set on top of the sink. A strange sight, if I ever saw. A single roll, Charmin ultra strong. Putting the new DiamondWeave technology to use, With no thanks to NASA.Thats 200 2-ply sheets on a single roll.
"Impossible, something that great couldn't possibly exist!" you marvel. Oh yes my friend, I tell you in no jesting manner. Such beauty doth glimmer under the shining sun. For the first time in days; I actually cried. Not because of how uncomfortable the the ValuTissue I'm accostumed to. No, good friend. These were the tears of joy.

But my visit to the soft, absorbant eutpoia was not over.
"You actually mean to tell me that things get better?" You ask, Don't worry, I was puzzled, too! "What could possibly be better than a 200 2-ply sheet roll of DiamondWeave Charmin Ultra Strong? 30 rolls.
"Impossible!" You exclaim. I couldn't believe it either.
Someone in my house actually bought the 30 big rolls. And they're two-ply, remember? Thats the equivalent to 60 regular rolls.
"My friend, you are most certainly crazy." You tell me. "Am I?" I ask You. "AM I?"
I really don't think you understand the significance of the situation at hand.
Thats 6000 2-ply sheets in all. 12000 single-ply. 711.6 Square Feet.
711.6 Square feet of pure comfort.
"You had me at 'Toilet-Paper Heaven'" You tell me. I know, good friend.
I know.


(I'm not at all serious with this one. Just attempting an exercise in the Second-person perspective, this is all I could come up with.)